Sexy Hot Beauty

The best random quote generator in the world.

In Kilkenny Ireland, they don’t have anything American over there, it’s very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out into a bar, piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to a Subway. I’d said, “Dude, I’m sorry, but you’re out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo, though.

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.”

I opened up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, “Please Try Again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. “C’mon, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I’d taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.

Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That’s a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “What candy bar you getting?” “That one … and every one on the bottom row!”

I never joined the army because “at ease” was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am ease’d, bro, because I am not in the military. I’m extra at ease.

I hate dreaming because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, y’know, like there I am laying on my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful… next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord. I wanna dream of me watching myself sleep.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want ‘em to, y’know. I’m like, “Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of you… and feed you a leaf.” They’re so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one and hold ‘em. Awright. And pet him on the back of his head.

all material copyright © mitch hedberg the mitch hedberg estate