As I had my morning coffee, the “Dear Abby” column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that “Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex.” This is a great summation of the “Sex Trap.”
For singles who fall into the Sex Trap, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
Chemicals and Chemistry
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild.
For singles who fall into the Sex Trap, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
Chemicals and Chemistry
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild.
Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist.
Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, “Well, we’ve got problems, but the sex is great!” They most likely wouldn’t admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main tool for making a partner choice is sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
A Guy Thing?
Barry North, a relationship coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
“For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap,” North says. “In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn’t going to be good?”
Nonetheless, North adds, “I suspect this is a ‘guy’ thing rather than a ‘gay’ thing.”
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can’t control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can’t “make” chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
For Conscious Dating: Combine Chemistry with Common Sense
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
Copyright 2006 David Steele. David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. http://www.consciousdating.com/book.htm. Visit http://www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com for FREE live tele-seminars, recorded audio programs, podcasts, e-programs and newsletters for singles and couples packed with cutting-edge relationship information that will help you have the life and relationships you really want.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, “Well, we’ve got problems, but the sex is great!” They most likely wouldn’t admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main tool for making a partner choice is sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
A Guy Thing?
Barry North, a relationship coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
“For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap,” North says. “In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn’t going to be good?”
Nonetheless, North adds, “I suspect this is a ‘guy’ thing rather than a ‘gay’ thing.”
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can’t control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can’t “make” chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
For Conscious Dating: Combine Chemistry with Common Sense
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
Copyright 2006 David Steele. David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. http://www.consciousdating.com/book.htm. Visit http://www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com for FREE live tele-seminars, recorded audio programs, podcasts, e-programs and newsletters for singles and couples packed with cutting-edge relationship information that will help you have the life and relationships you really want.
{ 1 } Comments
I totally agree with your ideas about the “sex trap”. I think people going for sex too soon in a relationship is not only dangerous physically (if the communication is not there to support sharing of deep truths about disease, sexual relations, etc), it also lends itself to emotional damage as well.
The chemicals of the human body that get released when we have sex literally do make us a little crazy. There are MANY traps we fall into when we start dating someone we are sexually attracted to. There are also MANY things men and women need to know about who each other is as a GENDER before we can SUCCESSFULLY navigate the wide open playing field of going from DATING to PARTNERED AND COMMITTED.
I invite you and yours to tune into my weekly podcast show (www.personallifemedia.com/podcasts/
just-for-women/dating-relationships-sex-show.html)
designed to help women and men understand this and other important concepts about how to create the relationship of a lifetime.
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